(There was no outline for this post, so I just kind of wrote what was on my mind. I am putting myself out there with this post, so please respect that. I know some of the points I made are kind of petty, but again, I didn’t have an outline)
(Rant coming up ahead)
I wasn’t even gonna post this, but I woke up today, and just grabbed my laptop. I mean I’m writing this on my bed with morning breath (yeah, I still didn’t brush my teeth).
I have anxiety, and school is one of my main triggers. Just the thought of it. I have a thousand worries, and I know most people get a little nervous etc., but I can guarantee that what you feel is nothing compared to a panic attack in the car before you’re dropped off at school.
I’m just going to be writing my heart out, so if you’re not into rant-y type posts, then this is definitely not the post for you.
Every year, our school puts us in the same classes, so all the students know each other, unless you’re really unlucky, and you’re put in a classroom where you know nobody. That’s kind of what happened with me.
Today was the first day of school for my grade, but I’m in Morocco, so I didn’t attend. And that’s also one of the sources of anxiety.
By the time I come to school, everyone’s going to already have their friend groups sorted, they’re going to know their teachers, and just have their life in check, but me? I’m not even there.
My main friend group is made up of 3 girls. One of these girls moved away this summer, so we won’t even get to see her outside of school. The other one was put in another class and refuses to change.
I know it’s kind of selfish for me to say that I want her to change, but there are other reasons as to why I think it’s a good idea to change classes. Reasons I don’t want to share here.
I would change my classes, but in the other 2, I still don’t know anyone, and the one where she’s in has some people I don’t want to be with. I know, I know, petty me with my petty problems. People around the world have worse things on their hands and I’m here whining about not being with people I know yada yada yada.
Another thing I’m deathly scared of is P.E. class. I can hear gasps from everyone, I know. People actually love P.E. class, and I still don’t get why.
Look at it through my eyes:
I’m a fat girl, chubby is just people trying to make themselves feel good, I’m fat I know it, I deal with it.
My P.E. teacher hates me, probably because of the point I mentioned before.
I look horrible in general, so how would I look when I’m sweating and running around?
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had panic attacks just thinking of P.E, it sounds so dumb, but when a teacher calls on me and says ‘oh, you, do you want to run the marathon and get extra points?’, it’s like she’s asking me to embarrass myself. ‘You, fat girl, come here and tell everyone that you won’t be running the marathon.’
This probably doesn’t make sense, but when you’re in my shoes you’ll know what I mean.
And then there are the grades, and the tests, and the homework. The teachers who hate me, the principle who picks on everything I’m wearing, the supervisors who always give me dirty looks, the girls who do everything I mentioned before.
Ah, it’s way too much to think about and I don’t want to anymore, I have 2 more days till I have to go.
After I wrote this out, I wish I could say that I feel better and that it’s like a weight lifted off my chest blah blah blah, but anxiety is anxiety, and there’s no cure for that, so let’s just leave it at that.
Much love, Rawan ❤ …
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